I sit at a stop light in the middle of the workday, one hand on the wheel and the other literally prying my heavy eyelids open on my right eye. How is it possible to be this tired? All I can think about is the fact that no thoughts can successfully make it through my head. Every fog of an idea hits a wall and falters to the ground and I halfheartedly try to think about what I was thinking about in the first place.
I have an infant. He should be sleeping more but he isn’t. He should be sleeping in his own crib too but isn’t. I sleep trained my first baby but it felt too insurmountable and kind of cruel in a way also to do that. Really it’s just that his cries shatter my heart and I don’t want to do any Ferber method or Cry it Out or any kind of method for that matter. I question if I’ll damage his sense of attachment if I sleep train him. I question whether or not I’m just spoiling him and kind of making a monster. Does he really need to be nursing several times a night still? Will I damage our breastfeeding relationship if I do “get him on a schedule?”
He’s also very reluctant to be put down. I try to be a good physical therapist and make very minimal use of “containers,” (walkers, jumpers, bouncy seats, bumbos, etc.). But the kid can only take so long in the floor trying out the latest and greatest movement patterns before he either gets fatigued or frustrated. So I spend the majority of my day carrying him on my hip while I do chores and tend to other kids. He doesn’t tolerate any kind of carrier that I’ve tried, so I literally just carry him.
The funny thing is, he is the happiest baby in the world. His motor skills are off the charts and he’s cruising at a fresh 7 months (about 2 months faster than the average “norm”). I know he’s one example and it doesn’t mean much at all from an evidence based medicine viewpoint, but I can’t help but wonder how secure attachment might be more foundational to motor development than we may give it credit?
It’s well-known that African infants meet motor milestones much earlier on average compared to American babies. Though the causes could be endless, I think it’s interesting that baby-wearing is far more common and so is breastfeeding. Compared to the more commonly formula-fed baby that spends far more time in baby containers in America, could there be something to this? Could. the secret sauce be nutrition? Or is it the social bonding that takes place more around the clock via breastfeeding in more rural areas? A mom who wears her infant throughout the day and nurses on demand all day and night—these are the kids that meet motor milestones sooner. In theory, a stronger social attachment yields a stronger motor neurodevelopmental sequence.
While it is a proven fact that attachment does affect infant and child neurodevelopment, we have no idea to what extent this is true.
“Early deprivation of comfort and security has been found to have adverse sequelae on a broad range of domains, including neurological, psychological, emotional and physical development and functioning” (Newman).
I like to think of attachment and bonding as the core of development. Aside from basic processes like eating and breathing, attachment is like a foundation. It’s really only after a baby feels safe and secure and somewhat regulated that they can then venture out and explore and learn new skills. This is sometimes even precursory to what we know to be vital functions. Think of sleep, for example, and how an infant cannot sleep when they are disorganized and screaming. While there could be a host of reasons for why they’re crying, more often than not picking them up and soothing with swaying or a gentle voice is enough to get them settled. Feeling safe and secure is essential.
We then build on this foundation of secure attachment, helping our little ones branch out to explore their environments, learn new skills, and nurture a sense of curiosity about the world around them.
Something I see over and over again in my work is that kids with early trauma and separation from primary caregivers will almost always present with some degree of motor delay (and delays in other domains too, such as communication, cognition, etc.).
I’m definitely not saying that sleep training is bad—like I said we did all of that with our first baby and she is fine and lovely and quite perfect in my opinion! But knowing what I know now, I’m seeing that I shouldn’t feel guilty about holding my baby while he naps or not having him on a strict schedule or being too quick to grab him as soon as he whimpers. I think I’m telling him in a sense that, “I’m here. I meet your needs. I hear you. I take care of you.”
I hope and pray that he feels that comfort in the deepest parts of his being. As much as I may complain about it, it really does make a season of sleeplessness for me just a tiny price to pay to grow a strong foundation in his development.
